diren's philtatos

One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is that we want to be happy. We just don't. As humans we have a dying desire to be constantly unhappy and sad and heartbroken. Why do Romeo and Juliet die? Why do we love sad songs? Why don't you call him? - The telephone's right next to you, there's his number. All it takes is you calling him and telling him that, damn , you have never quite loved anybody the way you love him. He would say something like "I love you, too." and you would live happily ever after. Why do you stay with her knowing better than anyone else that she is toxic and that all she does is hurt you again and again and again? Why didn't you go to New York, huh? Why weren't you in London, or Iceland, or South Africa, or wherever it is really that you're heart was hungry for? Why didn't you work harder? It could've been you walking up that stage and her watching you, not the other way round. Then she would've been t...

Everybody has one person they will never be able to forget.  My person comes in a blue-green ocean.  And I'm drowning in this ocean. At night I drown in the memories, unable to sleep as I am dragged to the bottom of the ocean. I fall deeper and deeper into the blue-green water, letting it take me, fill my mouth, lungs, mind. And I will die in this ocean, die at its bottom without air to breathe - hoping that perhaps in death I will be free from you. Free from the chains you have put on my mind, never letting my thoughts get out of the cage that is you - thoughts about you, dreams about you, tears for you. Everything is just you, you, you. There's no room for anything else. I WISH I COULD STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU, I WISH I COULD STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU, I WISH I COULD STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU, BUT IT ALL COMES DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ON ME. Will you always be there in every sad song, in every painting, in every stranger's face I pass on the street, in the sunshine an...

So, I have been meaning to write a novel for ages. Even had a go at NaNoWriMo a couple of times but it never wanted to work out. The story lost steam and every sentence I wrote seemed like the wrong one. Currently, I'm working on another thing. Sure, it's probably condemned to fail just as it has happened all the times before. For some reason, though, I'm hopeful. Perhaps that is naïve. Somehow, without having written one single word of the novel itself, I'm closer to a finished first draft than never before. I have been planning a lot lately - a lot . The idea of the story is kind of a mixture of all the ideas I had before. It takes the good from each of them. I've been working on the idea for quite a time now and I'm still not tired of it which is definitely a good sign. I have done some wordbuilding with more than 2,000 words until now and that's not even the half of what I have to do to fully grasp the world and the setting. After that, I will conc...

The man came and went like a lightning.  He came on a friday - the rain was heavier than anyone could remember - and spent the night in the only pension the village could offer. He was gone in the next morning and would never come back. However, as is commonly known lightnings aren’t measured by their duration but by the amount of catastrophe they leave behind. "The Man", Ed Sheeran

Today #1 Today was an absolutely shit day. I'm left again thinking that I'm a worthless and ugly piece of shit. Also, I was ignored by someone I kind of may or may not care about. Which - you know - really, really sucks. And now that stupid hoe has just entered the bus - god, what have I done to deserve this? Today #2  I feel like throwing up, do you even know what an asshole you are? Do you know how much it hurts? And I'm sick of wondering what exactly it is I have messed up and this is not the first time that I'm feeling like this because of you and I just don't want to see you anymore, don't want to talk to you anymore. All I want to do is to throw up because there is no way, no way at all, I can keep all this inside of me, all this bullshit, all this hurt, the rejection, the aching, the pain, the feeling of being unnecessary and not welcome and just a worthless piece of shit and waste of time. Thank you for making me feel like that. Thank you very mu...

My brother disappeared on the coldest day of the year. It had been snowing for a week straight and it was impossible to go anywhere. It kept snowing and my mother was a mess. I waited for spring to come and things to get better again. But it never came.  The home in which my grandfather lived was not very far so I used to visit him frequently during that time. I had a few people I hung around in school but I wasn’t too fond of neither of them and couldn’t imagine having conversations about anything that mattered. He always greeted me with a cup of hot chocolate and gave me his favorite blanket to sooth the winter’s cold away.  My grandfather was an amazing man. He had refused to fight in the war and gotten into quite a bit of trouble but that was probably what I adored so much about them. He met my grandmother and it was love - real, proper, true love, the sort one would only find in romance novels. They had brought a son to earth - a wicked, adventurous and handsome ...

I don't know how to start. It's weird really - feeling as if you have so much and nothing to say at the same time. Just yesterday I passed all the places in which we used to spend so much time together. Where I told you my biggest secrets and you told me yours. If I could turn back time ... I wouldn't. I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. The thing is, I am not the same as I was before and you have changed, too. You have changed so much, I don't think there's anything left from my former best friend. It just saddens me to think how quickly everything can change. Losing you wasn't difficult because you were hurtful and toxic and not meant to stay. But if lost you - you whom I was so certain of would stay - then who else can I lose? And I didn't only lose you, but I also lost him and while I've long gotten over you, I still haven't gotten over him and perhaps never will. He still poisons my dreams, the loss of him haunts me a...