diren's philtatos

Fear is asking yourself What if nothing will ever be as good?

One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is that we want to be happy. We just don't. As humans we have a dying desire to be constantly unhappy and sad and heartbroken. Why do Romeo and Juliet die? Why do we love sad songs? Why don't you call him? - The telephone's right next to you, there's his number. All it takes is you calling him and telling him that, damn , you have never quite loved anybody the way you love him. He would say something like "I love you, too." and you would live happily ever after. Why do you stay with her knowing better than anyone else that she is toxic and that all she does is hurt you again and again and again? Why didn't you go to New York, huh? Why weren't you in London, or Iceland, or South Africa, or wherever it is really that you're heart was hungry for? Why didn't you work harder? It could've been you walking up that stage and her watching you, not the other way round. Then she would've been t...

Today #1 Today was an absolutely shit day. I'm left again thinking that I'm a worthless and ugly piece of shit. Also, I was ignored by someone I kind of may or may not care about. Which - you know - really, really sucks. And now that stupid hoe has just entered the bus - god, what have I done to deserve this? Today #2  I feel like throwing up, do you even know what an asshole you are? Do you know how much it hurts? And I'm sick of wondering what exactly it is I have messed up and this is not the first time that I'm feeling like this because of you and I just don't want to see you anymore, don't want to talk to you anymore. All I want to do is to throw up because there is no way, no way at all, I can keep all this inside of me, all this bullshit, all this hurt, the rejection, the aching, the pain, the feeling of being unnecessary and not welcome and just a worthless piece of shit and waste of time. Thank you for making me feel like that. Thank you very mu...

I don't know how to start. It's weird really - feeling as if you have so much and nothing to say at the same time. Just yesterday I passed all the places in which we used to spend so much time together. Where I told you my biggest secrets and you told me yours. If I could turn back time ... I wouldn't. I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. The thing is, I am not the same as I was before and you have changed, too. You have changed so much, I don't think there's anything left from my former best friend. It just saddens me to think how quickly everything can change. Losing you wasn't difficult because you were hurtful and toxic and not meant to stay. But if lost you - you whom I was so certain of would stay - then who else can I lose? And I didn't only lose you, but I also lost him and while I've long gotten over you, I still haven't gotten over him and perhaps never will. He still poisons my dreams, the loss of him haunts me a...

1am // The tiny village I call home where nothing ever happens has long drifted into sleep. Silence surrounds everything around me, but inside my head it's unusually loud; filled with the voices of people who thought that their stories would forever remain unheard.  I don't know how I came across them but at some point I found myself going through the lost and forgotten corner of the web - blogs people had written in 2001, ...3, ..11. They barely include one or two posts; all directed at people they had never had the courage to tell the things that are now left untold. Strange thinking that I was a child then; completely unaware of everything people experienced around me. What I did is easy to explain: I visited all websites that followed the structure of dear randomname .blogspot.com . It'd be a lie if I said I was in any way prepared for what was about to come. Without knowing what was happening, I found myself in the middle of the night listening to people and their...