diren's philtatos

I built a castle for you, my dear - I spent my years on it, day after day after day. I listened to songs written by some lonely souls far across the ocean and thought of you. I wrote you a poem, and another poem, and another poem, and then tried prose but I learned quickly that all the words in the world weren't enough. I drew your face on a serviette, on the back of my hand, on a piece of paper, on the pages of my favorite book, on walls and on the whole world. I spent a thought on you and became addicted. I let your name roll over my tongue, again and again and again. This is my castle for you. I built it all by myself and I will go down with this castle - let the earth beneath choke it all. I built you a castle, my dear - but does it even matter if I never had the courage to show it to you? I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO THINK. BUT AT LEAST I ALSO DON'T HAVE TIME TO MISS YOU ANYMORE.

Fear is asking yourself What if nothing will ever be as good?

There's a fly in my head and it just won't shut up. It keeps flying and buzzing and drawing its circles. Fuck you, stupid fly. And fuck him, really - for being the only reason why I'm still wide awake in the first place.

I let ordinary life part me from someone special and I pay the price every morning after having dreamed he's still here, he's still with me only to realize that he is not. I let him be taken away by  The-Way-Things-Just-Go and now things just go the way I never wanted them to.

One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is that we want to be happy. We just don't. As humans we have a dying desire to be constantly unhappy and sad and heartbroken. Why do Romeo and Juliet die? Why do we love sad songs? Why don't you call him? - The telephone's right next to you, there's his number. All it takes is you calling him and telling him that, damn , you have never quite loved anybody the way you love him. He would say something like "I love you, too." and you would live happily ever after. Why do you stay with her knowing better than anyone else that she is toxic and that all she does is hurt you again and again and again? Why didn't you go to New York, huh? Why weren't you in London, or Iceland, or South Africa, or wherever it is really that you're heart was hungry for? Why didn't you work harder? It could've been you walking up that stage and her watching you, not the other way round. Then she would've been t...

Everybody has one person they will never be able to forget.  My person comes in a blue-green ocean.  And I'm drowning in this ocean. At night I drown in the memories, unable to sleep as I am dragged to the bottom of the ocean. I fall deeper and deeper into the blue-green water, letting it take me, fill my mouth, lungs, mind. And I will die in this ocean, die at its bottom without air to breathe - hoping that perhaps in death I will be free from you. Free from the chains you have put on my mind, never letting my thoughts get out of the cage that is you - thoughts about you, dreams about you, tears for you. Everything is just you, you, you. There's no room for anything else. I WISH I COULD STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU, I WISH I COULD STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU, I WISH I COULD STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU, BUT IT ALL COMES DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ON ME. Will you always be there in every sad song, in every painting, in every stranger's face I pass on the street, in the sunshine an...

So, I have been meaning to write a novel for ages. Even had a go at NaNoWriMo a couple of times but it never wanted to work out. The story lost steam and every sentence I wrote seemed like the wrong one. Currently, I'm working on another thing. Sure, it's probably condemned to fail just as it has happened all the times before. For some reason, though, I'm hopeful. Perhaps that is naïve. Somehow, without having written one single word of the novel itself, I'm closer to a finished first draft than never before. I have been planning a lot lately - a lot . The idea of the story is kind of a mixture of all the ideas I had before. It takes the good from each of them. I've been working on the idea for quite a time now and I'm still not tired of it which is definitely a good sign. I have done some wordbuilding with more than 2,000 words until now and that's not even the half of what I have to do to fully grasp the world and the setting. After that, I will conc...