Drowning in a Blue-Green Ocean

Everybody has one person they will never be able to forget. 

My person comes in a blue-green ocean. 

And I'm drowning in this ocean.

At night I drown in the memories, unable to sleep as I am dragged to the bottom of the ocean.

I fall deeper and deeper into the blue-green water, letting it take me, fill my mouth, lungs, mind. And I will die in this ocean, die at its bottom without air to breathe - hoping that perhaps in death I will be free from you. Free from the chains you have put on my mind, never letting my thoughts get out of the cage that is you - thoughts about you, dreams about you, tears for you. Everything is just you, you, you. There's no room for anything else.

I WISH I COULD STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU, I WISH I COULD STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU, I WISH I COULD STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU, BUT IT ALL COMES DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ON ME.

Will you always be there in every sad song, in every painting, in every stranger's face I pass on the street, in the sunshine and in the moon's light, in joy and in sadness, in tears and smiles, will there always be your last words echoing through my head, never giving me peace, reminding me day for day for day for day that a chapter in my story will forever remain unwritten? A chapter that might have been my favorite one.

I always come back to you. To your words from that night. Try looking at it from a different perspective, from left then right, but never getting it right, never understanding why it won't let me go after days, months and years have passed.

But they haven't passed, have they? It was today, today, it happened t o d a y, just a few hours ago. Today is all I can think. It happened today but feels like something detached from time and place and everything apart from you and me. As if it always was, and will forever be.

I hate how you change everything in seconds. Two sentences, one glance and I'm disgusted by my own weakness.

Sometimes I try to walk away from it, but in the end all I do is walk in circles, always ending up in the same place - in the prison made up of your words. Then I'm wondering whether I'll ever be able to get out of it or if I'll be stuck forever.

Breathing is so hard when all I can do is think about you. IcannotstopIcannotstopIcannotstop thinkingaboutyou aboutyou you youyouyouyou. It's always you, and it's always me not being strong enough.

But the truth is when something really, truly bothers you, you can't get away from it. It will always be there - and either you change it or you die with the chains these words have tied around your wrists. That's just how life is. 

Some truths lie not in front of our eyes but inside our hearts and it's much harder with those to pretend they're not there.

And words once out, when derived from deep inner truth, come with a great, unbelievable freedom. And relief. Oh, the relief. 

Death is a pleasure when it means drowning in memories of you. Painful, but a pleasure nonetheless.

Thank you for making me feel this way. Thank you so much.





I can't take my mind off of you. I can't take my eyes off of you.